FATE
August 2003
It was a sunny morning in August as I sat down outside a small coffee shop on Fairfax and met the producers of a script called Chasing Fate.

All meetings follow a similar pattern. You shake hands and exchange small talk about what you've been up to and then eventually you talk about their script. What you have to say and how you say it is undoubtedly crucial. They've been working on the damn thing for months, they know the characters inside out, they know what they want to hear and you have no way of seeing inside their heads to see if you're flying on the wings of genius or crashing and burning like a stricken fighter plane in some grainy History Channel War In The Pacific documentary. Like the pilot in that old film you take your life in your hands and propel yourself along the deck of the aircraft carrier and see if you're flying yet. They nod as you wax lyrical about what you love and what you would like to change in their script. "Am I flying? Am I dying?" you wonder.

Just a few weeks previously I'd gone to meet a bunch of people over at Disney about a teen action movie. I felt the meeting was going great - my preparation was paying off until, on the spur of the moment, I suggested a minor approach as to how I felt you could (not should but could) take the look of the movie. They all jumped upon this idea. "Elaborate!" they asked and I did, feeling that they were truly enthusiastic about my radical idea, and their heads continued to nod and then slowly and imperceptibly their smiles slipped from their faces. I saw I had just written myself into the long list of also-rans: I was not going to get the gig. Nothing could make the last five minutes rewind. I'd crashed and I'd burnt and there were other pilots waiting to sacrifice themselves like I did knowing that just one of us would land safely at the other end.

So, as we sat in the sun and watched the traffic rumble along Fairfax Ave., I was honest. I asked the producers what they wanted to hear. They said they wanted the truth and so I strapped on my flying helmet, yelled, "Chocs Away!" and hurtled blindly into the sky. I gave it to them straight, I talked about things I wanted to change, ideas I had, cracked daft jokes and showed them a book I'd once bought about Screwball Comedies and looked for the tell-tale signs of an imminent prang.

Eventually I was out of breath and out of ideas and they shook my hand and wished me well promising me they'd be in touch. Yeah, right. Everyone says that. I walked to my car and went to start work on someone else's script.

Well it seems that when I turned left everyone else turned right. Everytime the tracer shells came my way they either fell short or I dodged them. They tell me I'm their guy. I've landed safely and, looking back over my shoulder, I can see the burning wreckage of all the other pilots who didn't make it.
 

After I'd posted that first optimistic blog we all threw ourselves into the process of getting a large production underway. First came the fun dinners as the producers and the writers and myself all became friends and we all tried to establish what made each other tick. They were enamoured of my video career and seemed obsessed by Britney's 'Oops' video - I loved them for their enthusiasm and their determination to get this movie made with me at the helm. We started taking meetings at the Film Company and soon we were meeting casting directors and establishing what kind of movie we were making. It seemed that our budget would be about 15 million bucks and, in my quietest moments, I was full of awe that at last I was going to be making a real movie. "Don't screw this one up!" I thought.

With a casting director in place the casting process began and as the pale Los Angeles winter crept upon us we spent hours and hours meeting every attractive and interesting and vaguely available young actor and actress in town. It was a fascinating process. Some were enormously talented, some were amazingly beautiful, some were obviously desperate, others were just plain ordinary. But as the months passed by I became more confidant and truly felt that we were all getting somewhere.

Meanwhile the project's announcement had hit the papers. Amazingly I found myself and a certain enormously succesful entertainment person who was involved mentioned in the same headline in a Reuters report. "This is bloody marvellous!" I thought.

As we worked away I continued making videos. On one occasion, in order to remain available for casting in LA, I persuaded a six piece band from the UK (along with their managers and their label folk) against their wishes and at their expense to fly to LA so I could shoot them here rather leave town for a week and miss some meetings. I got permission to take a long-planned fortnight's holiday in Australia and the casting sessions were adjusted to let me go. As I sat on the cusp of 2004 and cycled along a windy beach Down-Under I was very excited about what the New Year had in store for me. Even so, having been disappointed before, I told those around me that the back-slapping was very premature and they should keep their much-apreciated congratulatory messages on hold till the movie's release party.

By the end of January we had our cast and my lawyer was spending hours hashing out my contract. A particularly tough point was the fact that he and my agent wanted me to get a Development Fee for all the hours I was spending working on the film. A compromise was reached and a sum agreed. I started turning work down to make myself available for the movie which was going to happen at any moment.

Then the Film Company bailed.

For a number of reasons, none of which were entirely clear but mostly I think to do with dollars, they announced didn't want to make the film. The day after word came through that they had walked their lawyer rang me up demanding to know why I hadn't signed my contract! I did the honest thing and suggested he should speak to his superiors. On reflection I should have kept my mouth shut and signed - I would have picked up that pesky Development Fee that had caused my lawyer so much grief.

My energetic producer was full of enthusiasm, "We'll take it elsewhere," he confidently predicted. But as the months drew on it seemed that no-one wanted to make a 15 million dollar movie and the cast we'd picked were too costly for a 5 million dollar version and didn't justify the investment in a 30 million dollar one.

As the fallout became more noticable on the Hollywood Geiger Counter the script well dried up. The amazing head of steam I'd felt I was being propelled along by at the end of 2003 had evaporated and the press clippings waiting to be filed announcing our casting choices and possible start dates taunted me like old lovers who'd moved on to newer pastures. The be-suited gentleman in whose hands I had trusted my career and who'd so happily wined and dined me as we felt we were on the brink of such a major breakthrough now confessed that I was such a nice and talented guy that he thought someone else should look after my career. Let's just translate that piece of amazing double speak into other words shall we? "You're so brilliant, I'm firing you!"

Plainly it was the last gasp of my involvement with Chasing Fate and all I had was some memories of some fine free meals and a bunch of unrecouped Beverly Hills style parking receipts for all those hours spent in casting. For all our months of work neither myself, my manager or my lawyer had received a penny.

Next.

One Friday afternoon I was putting together a reel for someone and I found myself watching a clip from 2gether - perhaps the best script and only decent film I've directed. I giggled as I watched the guys do their stuff and suddenly it dawned on me. Kevin Farley was born to play Moe Jones - the lead of a script called CALLBACK - a low budge comedy I'd written with my pal Jordan a few years back.

A new plan of world domination quickly hatched in my fertile brain cell and this time I'm going public with it. To hell with Hollywood! I'm going to make another movie even if they don't want me to. Kevin has agreed to play the lead and I've agreed to break the first law of film-making and I'm going to spend my own money making the movie if I have to. Moe Jones, the part Kevin will play, is a lovable but desperate actor in Hollywood, a very talented and decent fellow, who can't get a gig. He decides he'll do whatever it takes to get the part of the bad guy in the next Die Hard movie. It took a week for me to realise that perhaps Moe's story, one that I'd started writing years ago, is eerily familiar to me. Hmm.

As I recall many film productions are made under the banner of a new incorporated company so that the finances of the production can be more easily handled. If this is the case I will call the company that makes Callback 'Nice and Talented Guy' inc.

There I've said it. I'm going to make the damn movie. Better get to work and produce something now otherwise I'll look like a real wanker!
 

I bought a guitar.

POSTSCRIPT.  It seems I was outbid on nearly all of the cameras. I did however get a winning bid in on one camera for less than $9 including postage. It should arrive any day now.
 

05? O S**t!
3rd. January 2005
The Holidays provided a useful opportunity to do three things:
1) Complete new draft of script.
2) Play with the guitar I bought on eBay.
3) Live in complete denial about what I'm letting myself in for.

I mean - blagging to the press that you're going to bomb Bagdad is one thing. Actually finding the camels, elephants, smart bombs, bullets and people who're willing to die while wearing matching camo outfits is something else. So, I'm compiling a list of things I'll need to buy / borrow / get / steal / do...
1) Need car - any convertible will do. Preferably something looking battered or cheap that an out of work actor could afford.
2) Need to buy video camera to shoot movie.
3) Need to learn how to use it.
4) Need a lot of extras.
5) Need to make some t-shirts to get a buzz going: "I invested in a Hollywood movie - all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
6) Need better idea for t-shirt logo.
7) Need Fed-ex or UPS outfit.
8) Need a pineapple costume.
9) Need a purple dinosaur costume.
10) Need a cute girl who'll wear underwear in a film.
11) Need a cheesy office location for a seedy Hollywood agent (and girl in underwear).
12) Need 1 pair red satin shorts, 1 gag, 1 pair handcuffs. (the kind that a girl in underwear might have).
13) Need a new Range Rover for a day.
14) Need a bunch of people in swim-wear for a day...kind of like the girl in her underwear.
15) Need some free press.
16) Need forty empty or used Starbucks cups.
17) Need a beret with a red star on it.
18) Need a loudhailer - doesn't have to work.
19) Need to blag an outdoor restaurant patio for an afternoon.
20) Need some Roman helmets and togas.
21) Need a spear with some fake movie blood on it and a paramedic uniform.
22) Need a girl who'll pretend she's in a porno movie - doesn't need to get naked.
23) Need a partially deflated balloon.
24) Need a man-dressed-as-a-Tampon outfit.
25) Need to get a favor from the guy who wrote "Act Naturally." My guess is he's dead so I'll have to blag his publisher.

Don't feel embarrassed about offering to help me with any of the above. I'll let you know how the search is going.
 

INTRODUCING
13th January 2005

OK world - a first glimpse of Moe Jones! That's Moe up on Mullholland looking over the city he's going to take by storm. This is a place he loves to hang out with Garry while they plan a way to infiltrate or just avoid the studio system and get up to speed on their inevitable road to success. Moe is trying out some initial moves as he practices for his audition as Martinez.

Back in the real world: Obviously I've got a hold of items 17 and 18 from my list. Just need to track down a red enamel star. Other needs. (feel free to offer any help you can): a big pram that Kevin can sit in; any old apple boxes; any old C-stands (I have two but think I'll need four); some sand bags.


THE MAKING OF 
14th January 2005
Forgot to mention that the still you saw yesterday doesn't mean we've started principal photgrpahy yet. I was simply shooting some stills to a) get something we can put up on our web site and b) create the illusion that things are happening. Web address coming soon.

Had lunch with Peter Harding today - he's the guy that shot the Jason Mraz in Japan footage from that Mraz Live DVD I worked on 18 months ago. I was buying him lunch so that he could ask me some career advice which I gladly gave him: "Accept all offers of work that don't involve both nakedness and ritual humiliation." If ritual humiliation is involved on its own that's OK - in my experience that comes with the territory.

This being Hollywood there's no such thing as a free lunch and by the time the coffee was being served I was blagging Peter to shoot 'The Making Of Callback' that I hope will one day be part of our DVD. My only fear is that I hope I haven't just offered him the chance to make a second version of 'Lost in La Mancha' with slightly lower stakes. Peter says he'll do it which will be great for you and will probably be really embarrassing for me - I've given him final cut over his film. As there is no Making Of of the Making Of the deal was done over Pepsis and BLTs at Bob's Big Boy on Wilshire which is where all the deals for Callback are being signed in blood.

This is terrifying and liberating. Every day I'm finding a new cliff and throwing myself off it. And just to make the stakes higher I'm getting someone else to jump with me every time. As they say on my favourite TV show Mythbusters: "We do this for a living - don't try this at home."

NO STRINGS ATTACHED
14th January 2005 (again)
Just called SAG (Screen Actors Guild) to get the ball rolling on making the deals with actors all legal and proper. They've  sent me a form I have to fill in full of questions I have no asnwers to - but at the bottom is a question that's scared the living daylights out of me: 'Do you intend to include any of the following in your production? Minors, Animals, Singers, Puppets, Stunts, Nudity.'

Oh no - the first flaw in my otherwise perfect plan has been revealed. What was I thinking? It appears I'm about to make a film without any puppets in it. 

4 LETTERS
31 January 2005
I am pressing onwards into the foothills and I sense my first view of the movie mountain is still many days walk away. However, like any mountaineer will tell you, this sherpa-like zen-test is not to be shirked or treated lightly: I am acclimatizing. But on some days I become more, rather than less, confused.

I am collecting a host of information on cameras. Canon XL2 - great, tried, tested, and has 24p and interchangeable lenses. The new Sony HVR-Z1U is HiDef and highly touted BUT it only has a fixed lens and is a new unit. There's a commonly held opinion that a funny movie needs funny lenses - my bet is that the zoom on the Sony isn't that funny. What's the word people? Feel free to share...

Word is getting out about our plans and the letterbox is filling up with actors eager to join our team. My guess is that E-mail is making your average actor's life easier: they point and click and I get a resume and a head-shot. Winners: the environment. Losers: USPS and printers all over the LA basin. However I will not be paying $29.99 to open the headshot I received this morning. I'm not a compu-genius but Adobe, Word and some other stuff has me covered so I'm saving that 30 bucks for something already in the budget!

I am definitely not 29 anymore. The cold dawn of this realization was delivered to me outside the Improv one night last week. I went to check out a highly touted stand-up guy for the movie,  bought my ticket stood in line, and stood in line, and stood in line. After 45 minutes of listening to the guy behind me acquaint his buddies with the intracies up his upward career path and how he'd been 'conversating' all afternoon with this cool chick in a voice so loud that people in the Groundlings Theater (which is 10 blocks away) could hear him I split. a) I was in no mood to have someone make me laugh and I felt the stand-up guy inside was probably a stand-up guy and deserved better and b) it was late and I wanted to get my beauty sleep in before we get into production.

A word to describe me at this point. Four letters rhymes with gimp. Onwards people...

THANK U
2nd February 2005
As Bob Geldof once said to an unhelpful TV producer while we were getting Band Aid together (OK so he did most of the work!)...anyhow as Bob said, "I have a double-page spread in the paper on Monday. On the left hand page will be a list of all those people who have helped and on the right hand page will be a list of all those who haven't helped...and right now yours is the only name on the right hand page!"

The thanks page on our site (the left side) will be up soon and it's going to be a freakin' nightmare keeping it current. Just today I've been given major favors and time by 10 people I know and by about 20 actors I don't. What's even more remarkable is that none of these folk stand to gain a damn thing from this movie other than a stab at glory and securing my undying gratitude - though I'm sure that some people might tell you that the shelf-life of my undying gratitude is roughly the same as a packet of defrosted shrimp.

To those left-pagers I say "Thank-you!" (you know who you are). To those right-pagers amongst you I say, "I have a double page spread in the paper on Monday....etc."

(Feeling bored? Check out the BAND AID story in the DICK'S DIARIES section)

BABY STEPS
17th February 2005
I'm strangely petrified - tomorrow will be our first official day of casting. Even with 450 productions under my belt this feels like a big step. I certainly have a new respect for casting directors - it's taken me 2 days of phone-calls, e-mails and faxes to organise a schedule and get sides to just ten people.

I still can't decide what camera to buy.

STEP ONE
23rd February 2005
Unlike the storm, which has dumped more than 9 inches on us in five days and crippled my web connection, everyone who came to our first casting session shone. There were surprises too - dark horses emerged from the least expected places and after only one session I'm already in the initial stages of Director-Guilt / Subsection - casting.

If I hire person A (who might best suit the intended demographic of the movie) then person B (who might be a better actor) will be ignored. Person C (who was very good and needs a break) will be gutted if I hire person D who already has some decent credits and might help me get financing later on. If I hire person E then my friend, person F, might never talk to me again. Needless to say when I hire person G, people A through F will band together, hire a hit-man, and have me rubbed out on a dark street corner in righteous vengeance for not picking them. What ever I do I'm screwed.

After a long chat with the nice man at Birns & Sawyer I think it's going to be the Canon XL-2.

CAMERA
2nd March
Callback has a camera. For all you tech heads - I did not get the Canon XL2 but at the last moment went for the Panasonic DVX1OOA. It was more affordable, requires less gizmos to get set up, and has an easier to use manual focusing system which, as DP Quickly won't have a focus puller, is a big issue. Quality of the final product will not be compromised and I remain on budget. We also have a brand new set of legs, some filters and a nice blue carrying bag. And after spending all that hard-earned cash I got a free coat too! Thank-you Steve and everyone at Birns & Sawyer.

Insurance is proving to be a Catch 22 - unless I want to spend about 15% of my budget on insurance. And without an insurance provider I can't start my SAG paperwork...and I have to file the paperwork three weeks before production can start. 

I've been given a good address where to buy a wig for Joseph Wilt.

Frank Collison (The Village, Dr. Quinn, Hidalgo) has confirmed he's going to play Karl O'Tour for us.

HEELS
7th March
There's plenty of heels in Hollywood. People who make promises they don't deliver, people who lie...the list goes on and of course this is a lot of what Callback is about. Today I found a website devoted to heels.

I've decided there's a laugh to be had if we can get Kevin Farley shoe-horned into a pair of platform boots. So I went to my first stop shop, e-bay, and started hunting. Before you could say, "Whip me senseless Mistress for I am an unworthy slave," I'd stumbled across www.pleaserusa.com. Yes they have men's platform boots - the silver stack 301's look right up our alley - but my God do they have high heels or what? So this is where Betty Page did her shopping. Suddenly half an hour was gone and I'd completely forgotten why I was in the web-site to start with.

Anyway. Focus people! Now I need sand-bags. I know where I can get sand. Where can I get cheap / old / second-hand sand bags?

LAZY BONES
4th April
So I've been deceiving you all. As well as this blog for the movie there's also an identical one at the proper movie web-site which is www.callbackthemovie.com (direct link to the blog is www.callbackthemovie.com/blog/ ). In the interests of time and space the blog will continue there. See you in a second...