DICK'S BIKE MOVIES 

IN SEARCH OF THE LANTERNE ROUGE
www.rougefilm.com

Though currently in production short "making-of" clips can be seen on YouTube at:
Col de Port Report
Going down the Col de Marie Blanque
Tony Hoar - first British Lanterne Rouge
Bob Roll visits Lanterne Rouge Studios


MILLAR'S TALE

Commisioned by Jonathan Vaughters & Doug Ellis for the Slipstream Chipotle Team Presentation in November 2007 this 12 minute film is a frank interview with British World Champion and one-time Yellow Jersey winner David Millar about his fall from grace and his successful return to the peloton. The film, broken down into two halves, can be seen on YouTube at:
Millar's Tale - Part 1
Millar's Tale - Part 2


OTHER CLIPS

Go behind the scenes at the 95th Tour de France as yours truly shoots footage for an upcoming Sundance Channel documentary. Filmed in Glorious Handicam:
Adventures with Har-V & Geraldine

12 INTERESTING RIDES

My cycling Buddy Kim at the
summit of the Haast Pass.
Only 4 hours till we get dry.

As we arrived on the heights beyond a marvelous tail-wind appeared followed eventually by the sun and we scooted on towards Lake Wanaka by which time nothing would have stopped us from completing the journey on 2 wheels. As I recall there was but one habitation along the entire road - a cafe where we stopped for hot coffee, buns and chocolate. By the time we rode victorious into Wanaka we had ridden ourselves dry. We walked into the hotel beaming only to find the same grumpy tourist hogging the telephones that we had pissed off when we left the hotel in Moeraki 9 hours previously! 

4) BODEGA BAY - RUSSIAN RIVER - HEALDSBURG
Northern California
Can't remember, 30 miles?
This was the last day of my first Backroads trip and I did most of the journey on my own. I remember riding North on the coast road leaving Ocean Bay with just the sound of the waves below, the breeze in the grass at the roadside and my chain-set spinning smoothly beneath me. It was absolutely intoxicating. Then the road turned inland and started through the redwood forests!

5) LA MARATHON (BIKE TOUR)
Los Angeles California
25 miles
It starts at 6am down on Exposition every year the day of the LA Marathon which is around the first Sunday in March. This is the only time you'll want to cycle through some of the tougher neighbourhoods of the city and the early wake up call is always worth it. Like all rides of its type you'll find Litespeeds, recumbents and tricycles riding alongside that bike from the garden shed which hasn't seen an oil can for twenty years. People in pyjamas wave at you from their front lawns and, though the start is always a bit chilly, the warmth from the spectators means you turn up the finish line with a big smile on your face.

6) LONDON TO BRIGHTON
London - Brighton, England
52 miles
I haven't done the ride in a while now but I remember it being a great day out. It was once billed as the biggest bike ride in the world and had something like 22,000 riders on it. The number of riders was so vast they had to do staggered start times and I recall them saying that by the time the first riders were arriving in Brighton there were still people leaving London - thus the field was stretched out over all 52 miles of the course. Fond memories include seeing tandems from the Blind Owls Cycling Club passing me at speed on a hill - the guys on the front were all sighted - the stokers (guys on the back) were all blind. Unlike the well organised OCW Amtrak Century there was never any organised method of getting back to London - perhaps that's changed.

At the end of the London to Brighton 1984.

7) CHIANG MAI TO THE GOLDEN TRIANGLE
Northern Thailand
64 miles
Another day on a Backroads trip where I lost the van - or did it lose me? I remember stopping at a small roadside cafe which had no walls and no running water where I bought a bowl of soup (How much rat in it? I don't know), some chocolate and a plastic bag full of Coca Cola with a straw (they recycle the cans but don't care how much plastic you trash the roadside with) for a buck. And then as the sun got lower and the light turned to liquid gold I came up to the mighty Meekong and eventually my hotel. My room was as beautiful as any I've stayed in and there across the river on one side I could see Laos and there to my left I could see Myanmar (Burma) - wow!

My bike beside the mighty Mekong River, Thailand.

8) GOING TO THE SUN ROAD
Glacier National Park, Montana
11 miles
You have to be up early to do this ride because if you don't summit before 11am they'll kick you off the road - the road is too narrow for bikes and cars. But the early rise and the hard slog is definitely worth it. First you meander up the narrow gorge and then, as the sun starts breaking through, you turn back on yourself and start climbing hard. As you ride further upwards you are presented with scores of incredible views down the valley you've just climbed. Could it be that just an hour ago you were down there with those toy cars? In July you will still find the road damp with melting snow and when you reach the saddle of the pass you truly feel like you've achieved something. If you're riding onwards to East Glacier, as we did, don't linger too long - there are many miles ahead of you and as you turn back on yourself to ride the last ten miles to the next hotel you encounter a continuous and savage head-wind the like of which I've never encountered before or since.

9) PARKER RANCH TO ROYAL WAIKOLOAN BEACH RESORT VIA NORTH KOHALA MOUNTAINS
Big Island, Hawaii
45.6 miles
This ride, which commences at an elevation of 3,000 feet in what was once the largest cattle empire on American soil, starts off with a blissful down-hill and eventually drops you to sea-level with amazing views of the coast to your left and the rolling sheep pasture on your right. Once down in the little town of Hawi you turn over your left shoulder and start working your way back along the coast through the moonscape-like lava fields.

10) SAGRADA FAMILIA TO MONTJUIC
Barcelona, Spain
6 miles
While shooting in Barcelona in 2002 I would escape at the weekends through the streets and pedal furiously past Gaudi's Casa Battlo, down towards the railway station (where I later shot a video for Darius) and then start the climb up Montjuic to top out with an extraordinary view over Barcelona. No matter how much pressure I felt under from the movie I could happily sit and look at the view and forget all my troubles as I looked at the Sagrada Familia where I had started my ride and out to the sparkling Mediterranean which looked so inviting.

 11) L'ALPE D'HUEZ
Bourg d'Oisans - L'Alpe d'Huez, France
14.1 km = approx 8.8. miles
One of the mighty mountain-top finishes of the Tour de France and I defy you to find 8 miles of road with more famous names painted on it than this one. The bad news is that the first mile or so is absolutely the worst part of the climb. The good news is that the approach from town is quite flat and the views as you climb the mountain are just spectacular. As you start to sweat bullets and wonder why you journeyed half way across the planet to do this to yourself you'll realise that you're pedalling amongst cyclists of all colours, creeds and abilities trying to put this valhalla of climbs into their memory banks. How the real racers stand on their pedals and race up this after 180 km of racing is just beyond me. Marco Pantani's record time is 37:35 minutes - mine was 2 hours 20 minutes! But in my defence I had jet-lag, I'm 20 years older than Pantani and I was taking pictures.

Halfway up l'Alpe d'Huez, July 2003.
(photo by Andy Murray).

 12) MONT VENTOUX
Boudoin - Mont Ventoux, France
22 km = approx 13.7 miles
There's a Provencal proverb which says: "You don't have to be mad to go up the Ventoux, but you're mad if you go back." You start in the gently undulating Provence countryside and look at that gentle giant of a slope (which appears quite easy) over to your left. About 5 km out of Boudoin you make a sudden sharp turn and you enter the Bedoin Forest and the gates of hell. As you cycle up through the stunted trees of the foothills you notice the kilometre markers going from 8% grade to 9% to 10% and then 11.something %. It's hot, it's winding, it's unending and it's really dull. There are no cute mountain views or picturesque little buildings as you grind upwards, just piles of empty gel-packs by the road-side where other fools have trod. As you reach the one usable building on the hill (Le Chalet Reynard - a cafe open all year) you swing to the left again and you're out of the trees and amongst the endless vista of white stones that famously cap the mountain. You have 6 km still left to go and please try and do this part on a day with no wind. 1km from the top you'll pass the famous Tom Simpson memorial on your right and you'll realise how close he was to completing the climb. At the top (1912 metres) you've got one heck of a view - I looked down on planes flying past. In his book about Tom Simpson William Fotheringham famously notes that you have travelled, in climatic terms, from Provence to Lapland in just over ten miles. Louison Bobet, who conquered it in the 55 Tour has said: A son at the summit of Mont Ventoux is not a sight to show his mother.

On-top of Mt. Ventoux July 2003.
(photo by Andy Murray)

I don't think I'll ever do Ventoux again. It took me three hours and I had to stop about 20 times! (Oh yeah I cheated too - I rode the last 6km first, took a break for lunch, waited for the temp to dip below 96 degrees and then did the first bit. If I'd done it in order I don't know if I'd have made it.) At either end of the ride I reccomend the Pasta Carbonara at the Portail de L'Olivier - the restaurant on the left of the roundabout as you leave town to start the climb to Ventoux.

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7 CALIFORNIA CENTURIES

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CYCLING FILMS

OVERCOMING
As Lance pedalled inevitably to win #6 Tomas Gislason and crew quietly crept aboard the CSC bus and followed Basso, Julich, Sastre and co. everywhere apart from the toilet. If you wanted a chance to look inside the heart & soul of of a bike team, and hear bikers whining about their mechanics, this is as close as humble bikers like you & me are likely to get. It's short on biking thrills but full of personal drama and emotion and nary a talking head in sight: this is a film about what happens inside a team before and after the race. Team boss Bjarne Riis is certainly impressive dishing out instructions, encouragement and criticism in at least four languages and yet he often seems vulnerable and introspective - not quite the stern, confidant leader you might expect. Dick says: A must see if only for the awesome footage on the bonus disc of Jens Voigt riding his arse off and then losing his cool when he's unjustly criticized by T-mobile for helping Lance.

PRO
Jamie Paolinetti and crew descend on Philly to shoot the Wachovia USPRO Championship (2003 I think) and it's certainly refreshing to watch a bike race without hearing Liggett, Sherwen & Roll trot out their increasingly overused descriptions. Paolinetti & crew do a fine job of setting up the race and manfully try to add some tension but, though all the players want to wear that gaudy jersey real bad, many of the riders either come across like friendly surf dudes or are in dire need of a powerful charisma injection. Suddenly the intensity and class brought to the table by Lance, Mario et al seems sadly missing. And then there's the race which goes round and round in circles for hours - no amount of cleverly placed music cues or dramatic commentary from Mr. Deep Voice can hide the fact that there are too many sideburns in the peloton and that it's going to come down to a field sprint at which point you wish that Liggett & co. had been invited after all. Dick says: In the end the film-makers were outdone by the event itself though you've got to give them the points jersey for trying. Someone please give them the cash to go to Europe and shoot something there.  www.prothemovie.com

THE QUEST
Let's face it there aren't a lot of films about cycling and you want to give full support to any piece of work that tackles a grand tour - in this case the 2003 Giro d'Italia. But there's no escaping the fact that The Quest is full of talking heads and is completely lacking in any kind of tension no matter how frantic the voice-over gets - and why reveal the result of the race in the opening moments? You have to concede that the only way to create a mezmerizing piece of work about a race that crosses Alpine passes is to get the kind of coverage we are used to seeing on the box and inevitably director Greg St. Johns has to resort to TV footage for help. Dick says: The long-winded interviews with every member of the Saeco team turn this noble enterprise into a 104 minute commercial for Cannondale and Italy's famous red-shirted team. Shame.

ROAD TO PARIS
You know in your heart of hearts that if you'd ever had the chance to go and watch Lance prep for Le Tour and hang with U.S. Postal that you'd have spent more time with the guys on the bus than you did with Lance.  Road To Paris, which judging from its production credits was originally envisioned as a 52 miinute Nike commercial, almost busts this preconception and provides some intriguing moments with Lance as he defies both the weather and Johan Bruyneel and keeps on riding. Dick says: This DVD, with the mandatory out-takes, was probably the template on which the Lance Chronicles were modelled. This is infinitely better.

16,000 FEET ON A FRIDAY
Movies don't come lower-tech than this one. Shot entirely on an Elph digital camera this 40 minute gem was made by Lynette Chiang as she rode over the world's highest paved road in Peru with RAAM dude Ron Haldeman and some other greying pedallers who never say a word. Their goal is to deliver some food to an orphanage in the heart of the jungle before turning around and cycling all the way back again. Chiang is irrepressible and her eager enthusiasm captures moments that a more thoughtful film-maker would never achieve. Dick says: It's a travelogue, a glorified what-I-did-on-my-holidays, and proceeds from the DVD go to the orphanage; it certainly makes you want to get on your bike and go somewhere RIGHT NOW! Available from www.galfromdownunder.com

A SUNDAY IN HELL
They say it's the best film about cycling and they may be right. It's certainly the most atmospheric. Who knew that a lingering shot of an empty parking lot somewhere outside Paris at dawn could be so mesmerizing? Here we are at Paris Roubaix in the golden age of cycling: Merckx is on form, the riders all wear those woollen jumpers that we now think are so cool and there are no ear-pieces and stylish team buses - the riders arrive in their own cars with their bikes strapped to the back. But what seems most bewildering is that, with less technology at his disposal than current TV folk, director Jorgen Leth has captured the intensity, the passion and the shear speed of the cyclists and, when he cuts footage of the peloton moving through sun-blessed trees to cello music, the shear beauty of the sport. Dick says: The chanting monks singing "Paris-Roubaix" over and over may be crap but next time you tune in to the tour perhaps you should bang some Mozart in the hi-fi and give Liggett, Sherwen et al the early bath. (Footnote - like every other cycle-race film even Leth has to eventually lower himself and use TV coverage at the end!)

THE TOUR BABY
In 2000 an American cycling fan zips across the pond to follow the Tour and decides to buy a video camera just before he leaves. Before you can say Allez Lance! he's turned into a director and, like Survivorman, is turning the camera on himself all over France as he follows the Tour. During the course of his trip he somehow manages to get up close and personal footage of Robin Williams, Miss France, Lance, Tyler, George and even gets to the point where Messrs Liggett and Sherwin are waving at him rather than the other way around. The man's French accent is appalling but he certainly is bold and he uses the film to raise over $150,000 for Lance's Livestrong Foundation for which he deserves a hearty salute. However...Dick says: If you're going to stand in front of a camera and make a film about anything but surfing you might want to examine how wise it is to say Awesome and Dude over and over again.

WIRED TO WIN (IMAX)
Bad news: W2W is not really a cycling movie at all - more of an educational film that shows how your noggin computes and sends and receives signals interespersed with 5 storey high shots of rolling French countryside during the Centennial Tour. The original plan involved following Tyler Hamilton through the '03 TdF and the film-makers must have laughed themselves silly when Tyler fell off his bike at the end of stage 2, wrapped bandages around his shoulder and valiantly carried on towards Paris winning a stage and baskets of bravery medals along the way. And then it all turned to crap when Tyler was booted out of the sport for blood doping. Baden Cooke has been substituted as the rider-to-watch and this late subtitution manifests itself in coverage that was clearly shot long after the Tour was over and numerous takes where the camera follows a CSC shirt and not an FdJ one. In the end you just wish the animation of neurons flashing away in a sea of infinite blue goop would just go away so you could see more of that delicious French countryside baking in the sun.

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BOBKE II - Bob Roll
See him on TV and Bob Roll comes across as a balding, joker with a wild line of aphorisms and hand gestures. (My favourite describing another winning sprint finish by Mario Cippolini and his team: Mario Speedwagon). When you discover he has ridden every classic road and Mountain Bike race in the book you reassess your opinion fast. By the time you've read the book you realise he is the kind of guy who is the bricks and mortar, the soul, of any civilised society or club that you might consider joining. And when it comes to riding he suffers just like everyone else, if not more so. This diary recalls all the ups and downs and is full of personal memories of the greats of his era: Hampsten, Armstrong , Hinault and many more. And his similes are pure genius: "As nervous as a balloon in a pin factory." And "as spastic as a Devo guitar solo."

FRENCH REVOLUTIONS - Tim Moore
Lazy English scribe and Tour De France-watching couch-potato takes it upon himself to purchase a velo and waltz around the 2,500 mile course six weeks before the pros give it a whirl which, with little planning and no training, is either incredibly brave or bloody daft - actually both. Mr. Moore then takes it upon himself to out-Bryson Bill Bryson but, whereas Bryson usually connects with the place he's visiting, Moore's journey is mostly a solitary venture and the book suffers as a result. However there are some hilarious moments and some great TDF anecdotes and trivia and the final page is a corker.

THE HANDSOMEST MAN IN CUBA - Lynette Chiang
Imagine the concept - small lady on folding bike rides around third world country with a good map but a terrible sense of direction. She also has five loaves, no fishes and a collapsible black dress that is apparently good at the beach or at dinner. She has just a vague idea of where she plans to go and she does it all on her own. What she discovers is the warm heart of a nation that perhaps does not match our preconceptions as she pedals uphill and down dale. It sounds like enormous fun and makes you want to set off on your own adventure right away. Dick says: Lynette has a Bike Friday too and if you think you've done some riding you should see where she's been! http://www.galfromdownunder.com )

IN HIGH GEAR - Samuel Abt
Abt is a writer whose style is economical and spare yet also consistently elegant and witty. Reading this fascinating collection of essays, ending with Greg Lemond’s amazing 8 second victory over Laurent Fignon in the 1989 TdF, one can’t help but conclude that the super-sensational byte-heavy style of journalism  that pollutes the world today is just a tawdry replacement for such considered work. Example (while talking about how many Dutchmen have been victorious at Alpe d'Huez): "Some fine climbers come from a country as flat as a punctured tire." ...Love it.

INSIDE THE PELOTON - Graeme Fife
I remember Graeme Fife as a bespectacled young school-master who played guitar on a rocking version of High Heeled Sneakers my first band played at a school concert. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that he'd written not one but a number of books about the world's most beautiful sport of which Inside the Peloton is my favourite. Each chapter is based around a cycling personality - some well known (Bernard Hinault) some not (Charlie Holland), some brilliant (Eddy Merckx) some a little less so (Paul Sherwen) - and, having established who the chapter is about, he digresses at length to talk in great detail about the history of the TdF and shares his memories of some of its most exciting moments. His writing is infectious and he comes across, not as a frustrated rouleur who is still wearing lycra at an age when he should know better (like me), but as an enthusiastic supporter with panniers and a steel bike who has ridden just about every col the Tour has to offer - which he has. Dick says: If you're interested in the history of cycling and Le Tour de France I have yet to find a better place to start (and end) your search.

LANCE ARMSTRONGS’ WAR – Daniel Coyle
Coyle, a former editor of Outside, moved his family to Girona in 2004 so he could follow LA on his pursuit for TdF win #6. Coyle certainly admires his subject but luckily for us is professional enough to keep some distance so that he can view Armstrong and his acolytes with a certain amount of dispassion as the Postal machine gears up for its final Hurrah. Armstrong emerges as a complex and uncompromising man who may be admirable but not particularly likable. The book’s charm lies in its dry humour and entertaining chapters on the other players: Vinokourov, Ullrich and Floyd Landis: “…for these hard-eyed boys…the hope lies in the idea that pouring all your energy into a bicycle can raise you up, make you different than you are.” Dick says: I couldn’t put the damn thing down.

MOODS OF FUTURE JOYS : Alastair Humphreys
Once upon a time a guy from Yorkshire dumped his girlfriend, jumped on his bike, and set off to ride around the world. 46,000 miles and 4 years later he gets back home again though this volume only gets him as far as Capetown. Sadly it appears that no one wanted to publish his memoir so, like the bike-ride, he had to do it all by himself. The book is short on details like how many punctures he got, whether he actually ever spoke to his girl again or hooked up with that Siren on the beach in South Africa but, despite his prostestations, it's well written and sits right up there with Theroux or Bill Bryson. Dick says: Any guy who can cycle across a country, let alone a continent, using a toothbrush to change gear on a broken bike deserves some kind of brightly coloured jersey. The follow up, Blue Mountains, is on the way and, in a friendly e-mail, AH warned me: Get ready for Bolivia - 15 punctures in one day!
www.alastairhumphreys.com

ONE MORE KILOMETRE AND WE'RE IN THE SHOWERS - Tim Hilton
British art critic and child of communist parents from Solihull Tim Hilton makes an unusual cycling fan - especially as he concludes in his book that most cyclists have working class rather than intellectual roots. His rambling essay starts out in his father's garden shed and ends in a review of forgotten English track cyclists and place-to-place riders who pedalled furiously from Lands End to John O' Groats. In the course of his reminiscences he reveals much about cycling that's been long forgotten - example: an ASP bicycle is 'Assembled from Spare Parts.' He explains the mythlical heart and the noble soul of cycling and, when you are finally wooed by his elegant prose, you realise how limited most cycling journalism really is. He notes "It seems to me that an earthbound mortal is closest to man-powered flight when he is on a good racing bicycle." On the Hell Of The North: "Today's witness of Paris-Roubaix cannot live in the present, however gripping the race may be. He will see the slums of the industrial revolution, battlefields and cemetries, the wretchedness and despair of those who scratch their living from the soil. No other sporting event has this kind of resonance." My favourite comment is his least profound one: "Black bikes always look heavier than in fact they are."

The finest passages occur in the middle of his book and detail the classic feuds between Gino Bartali and Fausto Coppi as they clambered over the rough mountain roads of Europe - heroic fighters in the blissful days after the war. His descriptions of their battles and other feats between feuding cyclists resemble exciting descriptions of noble battles and crusades.

Whether intended or not his tome is a lonesome collection of wistful memories of what it was like to be a cycling fan when Coppi was still alive and carbon fibre and Lance Armstrong still hadn't been invented.

Interesting trivia: He reveals that Samuel Beckett the playwright visited the famous Velodrome d'Hiver in Paris (where many Jews had been collected in the war before being dispatched to the camps) to watch the famous Parisian track cyclist Roger Godeau. He asked the young autograph hounds outside what they were doing. "On attend Godeau" they replied. We're waiting for Godeau.

PUT ME BACK ON MY BIKE: IN SEARCH OF TOM SIMPSON - William Fotheringham
Quite simply the most compelling book about cycling I've ever read. WF sifts through the misconceptions, the memories and the facts to discover what Tommy Simpson was really like - and it seems he was a lovable, passionate, determined man who also became reliant on a vicious cocktail of pills. However what emerges is a very different world than today's glamorous and professional peloton. When he died Simpson was the only professional on his team and rides in excess of 340 miles in a day weren't uncommon! What is more the Tour de France rules forbad riders more than 2 bidons during a stage (water was not dispensed from team cars as it is today) and some trainers thought that drinking more than two bottles in a six hour stage was a sign of weakness. Also bear in mind that the '67 tour was 1,000 miles longer than today's paltry 2,500 mile jaunt!

THE QUOTABLE CYCLIST – edited. By Bill Strickland
A book for the bathroom full of homilies that will inspire you on and off the bike. Dick says: It’s interesting to note how many non-riders see the bike as a confusing, ugly machine whereas all riders seem to fall into two categories – those who are entranced by the zen-like rewards cycling brings and those who are convinced that in cycling, like life, all rewards are the result of considerable pain and suffering.

THE RIDER - Tim Krabbé
Krabbé describes himself as a competitor in the fictional Tour de Mont Aigoual and he uses the 137 kilometres of the race as a template, not only explore the emotions of a rider as he competes, "Nothing hisses quite so sweetly as a rival's puncture," but also to look back over the important episodes of his athletic life. Like watching every mile of a 100 mile stage race in which much of the journey is about cranking the pedals and keeping an eye on one's opponents, Krabbé's book is interesting for its wry observations and details rather than its broad scope. For instance: "Pulling the pace line wasn't (Despuech's) favourite pastime, and he couldn't climb - his speciality was the sprint for sixth place." In the end you suspect the journey would have been more fascinating if he'd been less ambitious in the scope of his book and just kept to a more conventional approach peppering it with the kind of delightful details, such as the mysterious rider from Cycles Goff, he is obviously so adept at.

ROUGH RIDE - Paul Kimmage
Kimmage is an honest and decent man who dared to break the cyclist’s code of omerta and openly discuss doping within the sport – for which his honesty was rewarded with banishment. Pictures of this stocky man on his bike in the 80’s suggest an athlete whose work was all heart – for him this banishment must have been cruel  and unusual punishment. His view is that dopers, and those that collude with them, have destroyed the beautiful sport - a sad counterpoint to David Millar’s idea that there’ll be dopers and cheats as long as there is competition. Dick thinks: The truth is that most all cyclists suffer as they ride and, in this excellent tale, it is clear that Kimmage suffered as much, if not more, than most.

WE MIGHT AS WELL WIN – Johan Bruyneel w. Bill Strickland
This famous Belgian rode the Tour de France, won a couple of stages and once wore the Maillot Jaune, before retiring from the bike and becoming the most successful Directeur Sportif in history. JB is a master tactitician who can read a race better than anyone in the peloton – just ask him – and consequently his book is more of a smug management seminar in self-motivation than you’d like and sports such exciting chapter headings as “Find A Victory In Every Loss.” Isn’t this the kind of phrase you’d find badly scribbled upon a white board outside the conference room of a cheap hotel on a European ring-road? Dick wonders: Is this why Lance’s 7 wins were ultimately inevitable, mechanical and somewhat passionless affairs: the world’s most beautiful sport distilled into a dull, regional business meeting?

THE YELLOW JERSEY - Ralph Hurne
Terry Davenport is a lazy, womanizing man who, despite his promise to marry the owner of a Belgian antiques shop, frequently spends most afternoons banging her daughter. But wait! It gets worse! He is also a retired racing cyclist. One day Terry, who is now chasing another piece of skirt, agrees to come out of retirement and ride another Tour de France. As 'any fule kno' banging babes, drinking heavily in Belgian bars and lazing around the back of an antiques shop is not the ideal training regimen for the world’s toughest bicycle race. If you’re a bike nut like me you wish the Desperate Househusbands bit was shorter and the Tour de France bit were a whole lot longer. Dick says In that small sub-section of contemporary literature entitled Gripping Pieces of Fictional TdF Drama this is right up there with the best of them.

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ENGLAND

England's North Yorkshire can be sunny and beautiful or very cold and desolate but whatever the weather there are always cyclists out on these amazing roads - this is just a few miles from the area that Tom Simpson learnt to ride in. This picture was taken on the road to Storiths just North of Ilkley. Though this is a fabulous ride be careful - five miles further and you're on narrow roads with 20% grades, wet leaves on the tarmac and fresh cowpats!

FLORIDA

Pompano Beach a few miles North of Fort Lauderdale. Like Holland this part of the world is flat as a pancake. Unlike Holland it's not famous for its Alp-conquering cyclists. This pier was later featured in a particularly grizzly episode of my new favourite show: Forensic Files.

FRANCE - THE ALPS

Where else do you see scenery like this? That's the Galibier up ahead and to the left.

FRANCE - THE PYRENEES

 Atop the Col de Port just a few hours after the 2007 TdF passed by - this was the first col on Stage 15 between Foix and Loudenville. While there were thousands to cheer eventual stage winner Vino onwards the place was deserted and socked in when I got there.



Halfway up the Col de Marie Blanque also during the '07 TdF. Here Foldy is loaded with rack, 20 lbs of camera gear and home-made handlebar mount. Doing a Cat 1 climb with that lot on board certainly slows you down.

FRANCE - NICE / COTE D'AZUR

On a rainy Monday afternoon Foldy rode the entire length of the Promenade des Anglais, some of which is the finishing straight of the spring classic Paris-Nice, sadly no movie stars or bike pros waved at either of us.

ON YER BIKE

At the end of the Palm Springs Century 2004: 5 hours 44 minutes - I told you I was slow!