The Holidays provided a useful opportunity to do three things:
1) Complete new draft of script.
2) Play with the guitar I bought on eBay.
3) Live in complete denial about what I’m letting myself in for.
I mean – blagging to the press that you’re going to bomb Bagdad is one thing. Actually finding the camels, elephants, smart bombs, bullets and people who’re willing to die while wearing matching camo outfits is something else. So, I’m compiling a list of things I’ll need to buy / borrow / get / steal / do…
1) Need car – any convertible will do. Preferably something looking battered or cheap that an out of work actor could afford.
2) Need to buy video camera to shoot movie.
3) Need to learn how to use it.
4) Need a lot of extras.
5) Need to make some t-shirts to get a buzz going: “I invested in a Hollywood movie – all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
6) Need better idea for t-shirt logo.
7) Need Fed-ex or UPS outfit.
8) Need a pineapple costume.
9) Need a purple dinosaur costume.
10) Need a cute girl who’ll wear underwear in a film.
11) Need a cheesy office location for a seedy Hollywood agent (and girl in underwear).
12) Need 1 pair red satin shorts, 1 gag, 1 pair handcuffs. (the kind that a girl in underwear might have).
13) Need a new Range Rover for a day.
14) Need a bunch of people in swim-wear for a day…kind of like the girl in her underwear.
15) Need some free press.
16) Need forty empty or used Starbucks cups.
17) Need a beret with a red star on it.
18) Need a loudhailer – doesn’t have to work.
19) Need to blag an outdoor restaurant patio for an afternoon.
20) Need some Roman helmets and togas.
21) Need a spear with some fake movie blood on it and a paramedic uniform.
22) Need a girl who’ll pretend she’s in a porno movie – doesn’t need to get naked.
23) Need a partially deflated balloon.
24) Need a man-dressed-as-a-Tampon outfit.
25) Need to get a favor from the guy who wrote “Act Naturally.” My guess is he’s dead so I’ll have to blag his publisher.
Don’t feel embarrassed about offering to help me with any of the above. I’ll let you know how the search is going.